Toddler Hitting Guide: What To Do When Your Child Starts Hitting, Slapping, or Pushing

Why Do Toddlers Hit? Understanding the Developmental Phase

If your toddler has started hitting, pushing, or slapping, you're not alone—and your child isn't "bad." According to research published by the National Institutes of Health, the prevalence of hitting in toddlers increased from 39% at 8 months to 67% at 24 months in a US sample. According to a Lovevery poll, 83% of parents report their child has hit, kicked, or bit them at some point.

According to Dr. Emily Mudd, PhD, pediatric psychologist at Cleveland Clinic Children's, "We generally expect toddlers to experience some aggressive behaviours. At this stage, kids tend to resort to physical expressions of their frustration, simply because they don't yet have the language skills to express themselves."

Here's what's happening in your toddler's developing brain:

• The prefrontal cortex is underdeveloped: This "braking system" that helps control impulses won't be fully mature until their mid-twenties. Toddlers literally cannot stop themselves the way adults can.
• Big emotions, limited words: Your toddler feels frustration, anger, and overwhelm intensely but lacks the vocabulary to say "I'm upset because you took my toy."
• Cause and effect exploration: Some toddlers hit to see what happens—not with malicious intent, but as scientific exploration of their world.
• Communication attempt: Hitting often means "pay attention to me," "I need something," or "this situation is too much for me."

Understanding that this behaviour peaks between 18-24 months and typically decreases as language develops can help you respond with patience rather than panic. Just as maintaining consistent sleep schedules supports your toddler's emotional regulation, consistent responses to hitting behaviour help them learn appropriate alternatives.

What NOT To Do: Common Mistakes That Worsen Hitting

Before we discuss what works, let's address the approaches that can actually make toddler aggression worse:

Never Hit Back or Use Physical Punishment

According to a Harvard Graduate School of Education study, spanking alters children's brain responses in ways similar to severe maltreatment and increases perception of threats. The American Academy of Pediatrics states clearly: "It's important to not spank, hit, or slap a child of any age. At this age, kids are unlikely to make a connection between their behaviour and physical punishment."

When you hit a child who hits, you're teaching them that hitting is acceptable when you're bigger or in charge—the exact opposite of what you want them to learn.

Don't Yell or Overreact

Dr. Mudd explains: "When a child is expressing a lot of emotion, and the parents meet that with more emotion, it can increase the child's aggression. For example, if a child is yelling, and then the parent begins yelling at the child, this will increase the child's undesired behaviours rather than reducing them."

Big reactions—even negative ones—can actually reinforce hitting because they provide the attention and emotional response toddlers are often seeking.

Don't Ignore It Completely

While overreacting is harmful, completely ignoring hitting behaviour doesn't teach your child that it's unacceptable. They need clear, calm feedback that hitting is not okay.

From a Mother's Heart: As a mother of one, I've seen firsthand how overwhelming those hitting phases can be—you question everything about your parenting. That's why at Mom & Zoey, we believe in creating calm, comfortable environments for children. When little ones feel physically comfortable in soft, breathable clothing, they have one less source of irritation that might trigger big emotions.

— Amanjot, Founder of Mom & Zoey

What TO Do: Effective Calm Responses That Work

Now for the strategies that actually help your toddler learn to manage their emotions and stop hitting:

Step 1: Stay Calm (This Is Everything)

Before you address any behaviour, take a breath. Find your "calm, zen-master self." Your emotional regulation models what you want your child to learn. Remember: you are the adult with the fully developed prefrontal cortex.

Step 2: Stop the Hitting Gently But Firmly

When your toddler's hand is coming toward you or someone else, gently take their hand and hold it. Use a firm, serious tone (not angry, not playful) and say simply:

• "No hitting. Hitting hurts."
• "I won't let you hit me."
• "Hands are not for hitting."

Keep your words simple—toddlers can't process long explanations when they're emotionally flooded.

Step 3: Acknowledge the Feeling, Reject the Behaviour

This is the heart of gentle discipline. You validate their emotion while setting a clear boundary:

"I can see you're really angry. It's okay to feel angry. It's NOT okay to hit. When you feel angry, you can stomp your feet or squeeze this pillow."

Step 4: Offer Alternatives

Give your toddler something acceptable to do with their big feelings:

• Stomp their feet
• Hit a pillow or cushion
• Squeeze a stress ball
• Use words: "Say 'I'm mad!'"
• Come to you for a hug

Step 5: Be Consistent Every Single Time

Consistency is crucial. If hitting gets different responses on different days, your toddler won't learn clear boundaries. The same firm, calm response every time helps them understand and eventually internalise the rule.

Teaching Emotional Regulation and Gentle Touch

The real work of reducing hitting happens outside of hitting moments—when everyone is calm and happy:

Name Emotions Throughout the Day

Build your toddler's emotional vocabulary by labelling feelings as they occur: "You look frustrated that the blocks fell down." "You seem happy to see Grandma!" "I can tell you're tired." When children have words for feelings, they're less likely to use their bodies to express them.

Teach Gentle Touch Proactively

Practice gentle touching when everyone is calm. Take your toddler's hand and show them how to stroke your cheek or pet the dog gently, saying "gentle hands" or "soft touch." Make it a game. When you see them starting to hit, you can then say "gentle hands" as a reminder.

Read Books About Feelings

Books about emotions and appropriate behaviour help toddlers understand and process feelings in a non-threatening way. Look for stories that show characters feeling angry and choosing not to hit.

Creating Conditions for Success

Prevention is often more effective than intervention. Consider what environmental and physical factors might be contributing to your toddler's aggression. Toddlers are much more likely to hit when they're:

• Tired: An overtired toddler has even less impulse control than usual
• Hungry: Low blood sugar affects mood and self-regulation
• Overstimulated: Too much noise, activity, or excitement overwhelms developing nervous systems
• Uncomfortable: Physical discomfort from scratchy clothing, heat, or tight waistbands can increase irritability

This is why maintaining consistent routines, ensuring adequate sleep (read our guide on balancing work and healthy toddler bedtimes), and keeping your child physically comfortable truly matters. GOTS-certified organic cotton clothing, free from harsh chemicals and irritating synthetic fibres, can reduce one source of sensory discomfort for sensitive little ones.

Supporting your toddler's overall wellbeing—including proper nutrition for immune health—helps create the foundation for better emotional regulation.

Do's and Don'ts Quick Reference

When to Seek Professional Help

While hitting is normal in toddlers, certain signs indicate it may be time to consult your paediatrician or a child psychologist:

• Aggressive behaviour continues or intensifies beyond age 3-4
• Hitting causes injury to themselves or others
• Aggression is accompanied by speech delays or other developmental concerns
• Your child doesn't respond to consistent, calm discipline strategies after several months
• The behaviour significantly impacts daily functioning—at home, school, or with peers

Dr. Mudd reassures parents: "Remember that you're not the only one struggling with your child's behaviour. Your child is struggling too—and inherently, children want to do well. Paediatric psychologists are skilled at helping children and families solve emotional and behavioural challenges."